applying to colleges be like...🤡🤡🤡

Hello! And welcome to the student panel and information presentation for generic-prestigious-university. 

I'm Allison, and as a current student ambassador for said university, I'll be telling you all you need to know!

contrary to popular belief, this is in fact, what i look like in real life

As your completely unbiased source who just so happens to be paid by the university, all the information today is completely factual and honest - unless, of course, the university doesn't want me to say it. 

So, let's begin! 

Starting off with academics! Generic-prestigious university has stellar academics - look no further than our top U.S. Best News ranking. No, seriously, there's literally nothing else that says we have good academics except that ranking. Oh, and also the fact that your parents say that your really smart cousin goes here, so obviously we're pretty top tier. 

To drive home the part about how incredibly smart people at generic-prestigious university are, I'm going to show a picture of students in a lab coat.

And a suit.

And staring very hard at a chalkboard in class.

Now those are all experiences, you cannot have at any other university. 

Here, is a photo of our beautiful, historical buildings on campus.

We're going to spend a lot of time talking about how amazingly stunning our architecture is and how nice campus is when it's sunny outside. Never mind the fact that the dorms were built a century ago and literally have cockroaches - despite the fact that we have a huge endowment that could easily improve student life. Instead, we spend money taking photos of our amazing architecture and advertising our wonderful student life. 

Beyond an amazing campus, we have a great culture. We value learning. Diversity. Intellectual vibrancy. These unique values truly make generic-prestigious university, generic-prestigious university.  Our mission behind the curriculum is for students to learn not just for the sake of learning - but to impact the world positively, doing meaningful work. We instill these values just so that 60% of our students will go on to be recruited by some lucrative, tech or Wall Street company.

You might be thinking: this all sounds great, but college is so expensive. 

But never fear, at generic-prestigious university, we have made a commitment to affordable education. Wherever you come from, whatever background or financial status, we want to make sure that college is accessible to you.  unless you're an international student. 

Anyway, let's also just gloss over the fact that we will not be reducing tuition during the 2020-2021 year or the 2021-2022 year despite the fact that we may be going virtual for both years for an extended period of time. 

Moving on to the last part of this presentation, but arguably, the most important part: information about the admissions and application process.

At generic-prestigious university, we truly care about you and your authenticity. So in your application, just be yourself. As long as that real self is a 4.9 GPA student who runs varsity track, has a wall of medals, is President of a million clubs, volunteers, and also competes internationally on a debate team for relaxation. Because, of course, everyone needs a relaxing outlet. 

But more than what you've done in high school, we want to hear your voice. The essays are an opportunity to do this. To show your complexity, your individuality, your unique perspective, we've given you 250 words. 

If you have already submitted your application to generic-prestigious university, congratulations! You have officially entered the college admissions lottery.  

*record scratch*

uh, wait, I mean super-fair-college-admissions-process :) Of course. 

And that about wraps it up! 

Thank you for all coming to this presentation! For those of wanting to apply, get in those applications for early action! And for those of you who realized that this school might not be the best fit for you - don't worry, we will still absolutely send you those annoying emails that flood your inbox.

****Disclaimer: obviously this was all done in jest for the satire assignment:) if any admissions officers are reading this, please, i would love to go to your college.