today i was called an oriental
The room was packed with political supporters. I mean, it was a political rally after all. And yet, off to the side, our She's the First fundraising table was bare of any prospective customers. I did not really want to be there - in fact, I was only there to support the cause of She's the first (fundraising for girls education in third world countries through bake sales). And then, he appeared. An elderly, white man walked up to our table. A small tinge of relief went off in me - finally, one customer!
I try to begin to my spiel about the She's the First cause, but he asked a question that stopped me right in my tracks: "Do you have anything you Oriental people like to eat?"
Shocked Silence. I struggle to maintain my composure and stutter out an appropriate response. And while I wish I was brave enough to respectfully tell him that the term "Oriental" was outdated, and not exactly, appropriate, he ends up walking away with a cupcake, still wearing the same unassuming smile he came with.
Even when I replay this scene in my mind, I'm not sure if I would have changed my actions. Although I was uncomfortable, I simply grinned and bore it.
and to be honest, I don't know how I feel about the word. I mean...it's not like he had malicious intentions, right? Should I be offended? is the word offensive? Is it offensive to think that I would be offended?
There are other instances as well.
Setting: 4th grade elementary school. Spotlight focuses on me, one of the three Asian kids in the whole class (keep in mind there are only 5 asian families in the whole school). It is lunchtime.
Action!
As I'm eating lunch minding my own business, a girl in my class sitting across from at the lunch table glances down at my lunch, then remarks: "ew, what is that, dog food?" She is of course talking about my fried rice. Now that I look back I can laugh at the ridiculousness of it: I mean, how uncultured do you have to be to not even know what fried rice is? I even feel bad for her. And yet, 4th grade me was stunned into a steely silence. Embarrassed but also indignant, grasping for a witty comeback to establish some sense of justice. My face red, unbelievably flustered. But most of all, I was confused. Is this racism? Or is this simple ignorance? Should I take offense?
I think of the irony in that what once was weird and exotic is now commonplace and trendy now that the white mainstream culture has deemed it worthy of acceptance. Nowadays, Asian food is the hottest trend, sweeping restaurants and grocery stores into a frenzy.
And yet as I write this, I feel a weird sense of almost shame. That my experience (of racism? ignorance? i'm not entirely sure) would dare to be classified as another example of racism or division in society. My experience is nothing compared to the activists and Asian Americans that scarified and suffered before me. I bear the unique feeling of guilt that comes from carrying the weight of such experiences - the idea that I need belittle my own experiences so that others not misunderstand what I'm saying.
This is the weird gray area I never thought I would experience (or never thought about at all really? until now obviously) As I think about what Maxine Kingston had to go through in her life, my experience is incomparable. Instead of words being carved by blood into my back, words that are black, bloodstained, and weighty, I imagine these words as a light floating gray. Words that hover in the silhouetted shadow of my back, a type of gray that flits between transparency as the days change, but nonetheless behind me, part of my past.
Reality is never the black and white revenge that we hear told to us in stories. Victory over evil is not so easily attainable or dreamed about, especially when you're not sure if evil is even present. I am not the clamoring activist against discrimination that champions tolerance and unity. I am just a confounded student, confused by the daily complexities of real life. I am simply figuring it out. And as my life progresses, reality is all but too eager to bring me new nuances that baffle and challenge.
I try to begin to my spiel about the She's the First cause, but he asked a question that stopped me right in my tracks: "Do you have anything you Oriental people like to eat?"
Shocked Silence. I struggle to maintain my composure and stutter out an appropriate response. And while I wish I was brave enough to respectfully tell him that the term "Oriental" was outdated, and not exactly, appropriate, he ends up walking away with a cupcake, still wearing the same unassuming smile he came with.
Even when I replay this scene in my mind, I'm not sure if I would have changed my actions. Although I was uncomfortable, I simply grinned and bore it.
and to be honest, I don't know how I feel about the word. I mean...it's not like he had malicious intentions, right? Should I be offended? is the word offensive? Is it offensive to think that I would be offended?
There are other instances as well.
Setting: 4th grade elementary school. Spotlight focuses on me, one of the three Asian kids in the whole class (keep in mind there are only 5 asian families in the whole school). It is lunchtime.
Action!
As I'm eating lunch minding my own business, a girl in my class sitting across from at the lunch table glances down at my lunch, then remarks: "ew, what is that, dog food?" She is of course talking about my fried rice. Now that I look back I can laugh at the ridiculousness of it: I mean, how uncultured do you have to be to not even know what fried rice is? I even feel bad for her. And yet, 4th grade me was stunned into a steely silence. Embarrassed but also indignant, grasping for a witty comeback to establish some sense of justice. My face red, unbelievably flustered. But most of all, I was confused. Is this racism? Or is this simple ignorance? Should I take offense?
I think of the irony in that what once was weird and exotic is now commonplace and trendy now that the white mainstream culture has deemed it worthy of acceptance. Nowadays, Asian food is the hottest trend, sweeping restaurants and grocery stores into a frenzy.
And yet as I write this, I feel a weird sense of almost shame. That my experience (of racism? ignorance? i'm not entirely sure) would dare to be classified as another example of racism or division in society. My experience is nothing compared to the activists and Asian Americans that scarified and suffered before me. I bear the unique feeling of guilt that comes from carrying the weight of such experiences - the idea that I need belittle my own experiences so that others not misunderstand what I'm saying.
This is the weird gray area I never thought I would experience (or never thought about at all really? until now obviously) As I think about what Maxine Kingston had to go through in her life, my experience is incomparable. Instead of words being carved by blood into my back, words that are black, bloodstained, and weighty, I imagine these words as a light floating gray. Words that hover in the silhouetted shadow of my back, a type of gray that flits between transparency as the days change, but nonetheless behind me, part of my past.
Reality is never the black and white revenge that we hear told to us in stories. Victory over evil is not so easily attainable or dreamed about, especially when you're not sure if evil is even present. I am not the clamoring activist against discrimination that champions tolerance and unity. I am just a confounded student, confused by the daily complexities of real life. I am simply figuring it out. And as my life progresses, reality is all but too eager to bring me new nuances that baffle and challenge.
Wow Allison this is a beautiful post! First off, I am so sorry that you had to experience even those small bouts of racism. I do they think were pure ignorance, but that can still be very offensive. It is offensive in a way, that people can be so ignorant as to not know the difference between an appropriate thing to say to a person of another race and an inappropriate thing. I think being so uneducated and ignorant, shows a lack of respect to those cultures. It may be innocent of course, but if you dealing with those people regularly, you should have the decency to watch what you say and educate yourself on the "terms" you should and should not call people. Additionally though, I loved you talked about the irony in regards to the Asian food. It is so ironic that in just a few years time Asian food went from "dog food" to every restaurant on every street. But I particularly loved how you implicated that Asian food is popular and everywhere now because mainstream WHITE culture "approved" it. This is what I think needs to change in our country. Whites should no longer be the only deciders or judges of what is cool or accepted. This even goes back to the hypocrisy talked about in some of our other articles. America says that everyone is equal, yet Asian food isn't "cool" until whites say it is, and approve and accept it? The numbers just don't add up.
ReplyDeleteHi Brenna! Thanks for reading. I do also believe it's ignorance that's at the root of the issue - and it takes people who are courageous, patient, and open minded to mend that gap between ignorance and understanding. The "acceptance" of different foods in America does play into the irony aspect that I mentioned, but even out of its ironic origins, I feel as if there is a growing trend in tolerance for diversity (at least I can hope).
DeleteYIKESSSSSSSSS BRO old white dudes are the worst oh my GOD!!! a nightmare. old people just do not care. they are blissfully ignorant. anyway i very much relate to this child of immigrants lowkey oppressed but highkey not really confusion. for a long time i was so aggressive abt calling myself a person of color bc im ~cultured~. but recently i had this epiphany that like..... i am white passing therefore im white. if i didn't have curly hair people would think i'm straight up european. i have also been mildly discriminated against but we have differences in experience. i guess i expected people to be horrible to me so i would have something to validate my identity? as if u cant claim ur identity unless you've suffered for it?????? idk. anyway totally loving the tea with allison
ReplyDeleteAllison! This is all too familiar. So often, I experience minor encounters of racism, and I get easily angered... But like you said, these instances are also confusing. Most of the times, the racist remarks come from well-intentioned but uninformed people. They just don't know any better! And while it's my first instinct to get offended and see-- in this case-- the white man as a rude white racist, I think I should change my mindset to be understanding and actually help people like him to become more aware.
ReplyDeleteThis is so well written, your description of the words as light floating gray is so spot on. Not everyone white person out there is a white supremacist (probably 99% aren't) but many are unconsciously racist, especially if they grew up a while ago in a different setting. I can relate to your experiences. Just this summer when my parents and I were on vacation, we were at this place and the tour guide asked us "Do you speak English?" I was like "bruh" inside and my dad later told me that he wanted to say "We not only speak English but I also know French and my son is learning Spanish can YOU speak anything other than English???" but didn't, out of politeness of course. Maybe the tour guide was just trying to be considerate, but the fact of how one's skin color immediately leads to so many stereotypes and assumptions about them is just so wrong, especially as America becomes more and more diverse.
ReplyDeleteALLISON!! This is such an eloquent description of the racism that all Asian minorities face. Some version of the lunch table story happened to all of us, and at the time you feel embarrassed and regret ever bringing the food to school in the first place. When you mentioned that you are just a student, not a “clamoring activist against discrimination”, it made me think about all the “low key” racist comments and acts that I witness everyday, without doing anything about it. I think that this makes your post very true to reality and relatable. Another thing that stuck with me was the fact that you feel guilt for for “carrying the weight of you’re experiences”, this is something that I never thought about. With my experiences being very similar to yours, I’ve always thought about them as plain racism or kids just being ignorant. But comparing the experiences to the ones that many activists and Kingston face, it is clear that racism isn’t black and white or straightforward. I LOVED this piece, it gave me a lot to think about! Good job!!
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is WOW. Allison, you descriptions of these everyday instances of racism(?) were just perfect. They were detailed, relatable, and so familiar. Every once in a while, I can be talking to someone and they say something about Indians. In these situations, I can never decide what to do. I don't even know if they are actually trying to offend me of if they are just ignorant. I feel like in every instance I just let it go, but I don't know. Is that what I really should've done, or should I have spoke up and told the person that not all Indians love spicy food, chutney, and curry(even if I really do). I love how you described this confusion as a grey area, cuz that is a perfect description. Sometimes it's really hard to understand what's right and what wrong.
ReplyDeleteAllison... this is amazing. The way you expressed your thoughts on this specific issue highlighted the fact that, not only have many people experienced similar situations, but they know how it is when these small, seemingly insignificant encounters pile up to a very important issue. I also loved how you described how you don't have to be mean-spirited to be insulting or offensive, but that it can result from ignorance. Recognizing the issue lying here is the first step to truly wiping all out prejudice.
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