prefer not to say
pls read footnote before reading post, thx!
My pencil hovers over the boxes, unable to decide. I glance at it, a smooth yellow #2 pencil. The kind of pencil that was my favorite as a little kid. I fumble with the edges of my testing packet, creasing the paper corners into a crumple, then smoothing them out again.
The question comes rushing up to me again, asking, no, demanding an answer.
What is your racial/ethnic identity?
I blink.
What is your racial/ethnic identity?
This is so stupid. I mean, why am I even wondering? I know I'm Asian. There is a box literally just for me - a box that even comes with its own parentheses to clarify what Asian means as if I myself was unaware (wow, thanks College Board!) Do I even have the right to be confused? My race fits neatly in one box - just one box, not three, or even two - it is contained, precise, simple.
Just check off the dang box.
I blink again and my eyes slide inevitably downward, to the last answer box. Its crisp black lettering encapsulates the simple four words:"Prefer not to say." Ah yes, the very source of my confusion. But at the same time, also possibly a source of salvation. Given the recent debates about Asian Americans supposedly being held at higher standards for test scores and such, it's no surprise that I'm a little hesitant about what answer to choose. This is the blessing of anonymity - letting chance and luck have its sway over my course, the beauty of being invisible. Colorless. And yet, when I consider this answer as a choice, I can't help but feel a sense of betrayal. The audacity that I would even consider this as an option. I'm proud of my race! I'm proud to be an Asian American! How dare I hide my race - something as much as part of my identity as my very hair color or the family I belong in. I cannot be a traitor to my own race - how dare I be.
But through this all, I feel a slight sense of bitterness. The twisting feeling in my stomach of being made to choose and confess something that I cannot change. This rude confrontation into my daily life - so unexpected and unasked for. It feels like an intrusion. Why should I be made to feel as if I had to choose between my race and my future chances? These are not mutually exclusive.
And so my pencil hangs in the balance. In the gap between identity and reality. Which one will win over?
This decision represents much more than a simple statement of fact. More than a lone statistical data point in a floating sea of diversity charts. When I check off the box, it is not only a statement, but a declaration - of who I am and how I choose to be known by.
Footnote: ok so I know this is very different than what I normally do for my blog posts. First off, this post is exaggerated and is meant to be - I wanted to give off the feeling of being in my own head so the thoughts r kinda amplified for effect. Also I just wanted to acknowledge my own privilege since I'm not like an underrepresented minority in higher education, and the fact that discrimination against asian americans in admissions is also kinda disputed (?). Overall, this blog post is just something new I wanted to try - I wanted to try a new writing style, thats lowkey inspired by how Toni Morrison uses those italics and her like ranty long paragraphs. Also it deals with the idea of racial consciousness (gotta include that in class connection somehow).
My pencil hovers over the boxes, unable to decide. I glance at it, a smooth yellow #2 pencil. The kind of pencil that was my favorite as a little kid. I fumble with the edges of my testing packet, creasing the paper corners into a crumple, then smoothing them out again.
The question comes rushing up to me again, asking, no, demanding an answer.
What is your racial/ethnic identity?
I blink.
What is your racial/ethnic identity?
This is so stupid. I mean, why am I even wondering? I know I'm Asian. There is a box literally just for me - a box that even comes with its own parentheses to clarify what Asian means as if I myself was unaware (wow, thanks College Board!) Do I even have the right to be confused? My race fits neatly in one box - just one box, not three, or even two - it is contained, precise, simple.
Just check off the dang box.
I blink again and my eyes slide inevitably downward, to the last answer box. Its crisp black lettering encapsulates the simple four words:"Prefer not to say." Ah yes, the very source of my confusion. But at the same time, also possibly a source of salvation. Given the recent debates about Asian Americans supposedly being held at higher standards for test scores and such, it's no surprise that I'm a little hesitant about what answer to choose. This is the blessing of anonymity - letting chance and luck have its sway over my course, the beauty of being invisible. Colorless. And yet, when I consider this answer as a choice, I can't help but feel a sense of betrayal. The audacity that I would even consider this as an option. I'm proud of my race! I'm proud to be an Asian American! How dare I hide my race - something as much as part of my identity as my very hair color or the family I belong in. I cannot be a traitor to my own race - how dare I be.
But through this all, I feel a slight sense of bitterness. The twisting feeling in my stomach of being made to choose and confess something that I cannot change. This rude confrontation into my daily life - so unexpected and unasked for. It feels like an intrusion. Why should I be made to feel as if I had to choose between my race and my future chances? These are not mutually exclusive.
And so my pencil hangs in the balance. In the gap between identity and reality. Which one will win over?
This decision represents much more than a simple statement of fact. More than a lone statistical data point in a floating sea of diversity charts. When I check off the box, it is not only a statement, but a declaration - of who I am and how I choose to be known by.
Footnote: ok so I know this is very different than what I normally do for my blog posts. First off, this post is exaggerated and is meant to be - I wanted to give off the feeling of being in my own head so the thoughts r kinda amplified for effect. Also I just wanted to acknowledge my own privilege since I'm not like an underrepresented minority in higher education, and the fact that discrimination against asian americans in admissions is also kinda disputed (?). Overall, this blog post is just something new I wanted to try - I wanted to try a new writing style, thats lowkey inspired by how Toni Morrison uses those italics and her like ranty long paragraphs. Also it deals with the idea of racial consciousness (gotta include that in class connection somehow).
First, I just want to say that this was so well written, and I think it's amazing that you are able to notice and imitate Toni Morrison's style. Second, I relate to this so much haha. I always encounter some kind of internal moral conflict when I'm faced with this decision, because do I overthink to protect a chance of indiscrimination or follow instructions and comply to these (to me) inherently racist standards? Through these racially-differing standards, this is how society becomes racially conscious though this is an attempt to create equal opportunity.
ReplyDeleteahh thats so sweet of u to say thank u sabrina! honestly yea, although this blog post is exaggerated, that 30 sec internal moral conflict really sucks to have in the first place! I feel like this is especially confusing considering the fact that there are both sides to this issue, which can draw guilt and confusion - on one side people are saying that Asian Americans are discriminated against and on the other side Asian Americans are represented well (even over represented) at universities given our relatively small percentage of the US population overall.
Deleteomg girl i can totally relate to thisssss!! an interesting aspect is that on most things that collect info about race like the sat, census, etc., middle easterns are supposed to bubble in white! im not gonna be That person and bubble in asia bc geography and society are two different things, but i do understand the hashtag internal conflict u feel about that kinda stuff. it provides for a very minute yet fun identity crisis. also the controversy abt asians having their scored considered on a different scare in comparison to people of other races, and the way they should be scaled as well is......... hm
ReplyDeleteAHH you described it perfectly! minute identity crisis! fun stuff amirite. also I can't believe Middle Eastern is classified as white. It feels weird even writing classified - as if we should be categorized into these boxes depending on our race. Also yea, the controversy is very confusing. I went on Quora to research into if people thought that if you should say you were Asian American on the common app (or prefer not to say) and it was so divided - many people said there was no bias against Asian Americans while many others flat out said absolutely don't put your race. I guess that just goes to show both the emotionality of this issue and the confusion.
DeleteI've felt the same thing, and I feel that you are not alone in thinking its wild how we are forced to make a choice and even as "prefer not to answer" is a non-choice... its still somehow part of this decision. This blog perfectly captures the ominous feeling of wondering how this one box will affect everything that is to come for a junior and senior highschool kid. p.s. I hope you make it to Harvard and at the very least Ross :)
ReplyDeleteahhh thanks so much rids. Also i just knOW you are getting into Uchicago mwah.
DeleteI like how you are able to write in so many styles (like that depressing Maus analysis to contrast with the usual) and it gets the message across so effectively! I don't think I've thought as much as you have about choosing "prefer not to say", I just put "Asian" and go with it (look at what the standardization, not just standardized testing, of society, has done to us), but now you've gotten me thinking... It's just so - ironic? sad? backwards? - that humans have developed society and technology to such extents yet still discriminate by an issue as small as race. It's understandable (though that doesn't make it not wrong) that the majority in power wants to keep their power, but it's shocking that even after two hundred years, minorities haven't done more because some people just give up and accept it or (like Guitar) turn to violence...
ReplyDeleteright? it's honestly so disappointing the extent of racism that exists in society overall (and I'm not just talking about test scores here I'm thinking broad picture). Yet, it's also a lesson as to how far racism extends - how one racist action isn't contained in effect but if intense enough, can even extend and effect multiple generations - just like how the "ownership" mentality of slavery still effects Macon's family even though slavery was a generation or two ago.
DeleteI feel this blog post. Every time I take a test by the CollegeBoard, there is a little box that says "White (this includes any Middle Eastern regions)" which really pisses me off. How come "Middle Eastern" doesn't have its own box? I am Syrian and I'm proud but I'm subjected to saying that I am"White" which is not what I am. Anyways, it's not a big deal it's just another thing that angers me about the CollegeBoard. As you can tell, I don't really like the CollegeBoard and what it stands for...
ReplyDeleteWow, you did a nice job on trying a new writing style. I am impressed with he execution of your post and I also liked how you picked this topic because I also have found myself in this same scenario. You also did a nice job with blending in your scenario with the style of writing you chose. I found that doing that enhances the point you are trying to get across more effectively and rely puts the reader in the scenario that you drew up.
ReplyDelete